His Grace

I had a break through today. Though that phrasing makes it sound way more dramatic than it actually is. Perhaps a nudge through would be a better description. It is a realization that has been floating on the edges of my mind. A lesson that God has been trying to get me grasp for who knows how long.
The majorty of my issues and/or sins come down to a failure to grasp the promise in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficiant for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." My entire life I have been told I expect to much of people. I have a very hard time loving people with out expecting something from them. I know this. It is a struggle I have had since child hood. I am afraid that if I pour into some one else with out knowing they can pour into me I will some how be left empty. It is selfish I know. My sin is in trusting other sinfull fallen saints to meet a need only God can. If I love as God has called me to, then His grace will overflow in my life.
Another area I strugle with is finances. I have such a hard time seaking God in that area becuase I am afraid He will call me to give more than I am comftorable with. I have put my trust in my savings acount and not in God's grace. I actually feel kinda stupid. He has proven himself over and over in this area and yet I have a hard time beliving.

How limited my life will be if I am only willing to give my time, my money, my love, my gifts if I am assured that I or some other humane can replenish them. About a month ago I was really strugling with this concept. "If God's grace is sufficiant then why do I feel so empty?" I wondered out loud to my best friend. She asked if I was truely seeking God's will, or if I was running head first at what I thought I should be doing and expecting God's grace to catch up with me. See God's grace is sufficiant to fulfill HIS plans for us. Epshians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
God's grace is sufficiant for the work He has for us to do. And the only way to tell the difference is to desperately seek Him. The only way to know God's will is to know Him. It is such a simple thought and yet one I struggle so much to grasp. I feel so sorry because of the opportunities I have missed and the people I have hurt becuase I haven't had the faith to trust His suffiancy. I am also overwhelming greatefully for the people in my life who has paitently sat there and pointed out the truth, even when I didn't want to see it. Thank you.
And now I am left with a choice. Will I seek God's will and accept His grace. Or will I continue to run ahead hoping grace will find me and blaming God when it doesn't?

An Autobiography.

I have come to the conclusion recently that I don't think I could or would ever atempt an auto biography. I found this surprising becuase I had often thought that one day I would. Not that I think my life is terribly interesting but becuase a number of my life experience has been out side of the main stream. (Being a pastors daughter, being home schooled K-12, going to a christian college, getting married strait out of college.) I also firmly believe that every day things such as waiting tables, being a camp counselor, and raising an extroverted 9 month old, can make for rather entertaing stories assuming the are communicated in the right manner. The more I obeserve life however the more I realize that I don't trust myself to convey the story of my life.

For starters our memories are never as acurate as we assume them to be. The further away we get from an event the more scewed our memories become. Either we look back at nestolgia remembering only the wonderful warm fuzzies of the moment We remember only the we recived the baby doll we wanted for Christmas when we were 6 and forget that it broke the next day. Or we do the oposite and mainting the our exboy friend is a horrible jerk and forgetting the qualities in the person that first drove us to be with them. That being the case how could we ever present a truthfully acount of our memories if we only present one half of them.

Which brings me to the second reason I would hesitate to put my life story down on paper. Since I was not raised by monkeys in the middle of a tropical forest, my life is full of other people. And any attempt to write my story would demand an effort to include at least part of theirs. If I can not even accurately remember my story, how presumptious of me to think I could pressent some one elses story. I could never begin to imagaine the unknown thoughts and motives of even my own family. How could I present the truth, If I don't know what that is.

Not that I believe that truth is relative. I believe there is one truth. However, I think as a humane it is hard to fully understand the truth of ourselves and others. Perhaps it is reality that is realtive.